I just ate my last pizza.

When I say “my last pizza”, I don’t mean a slice or two of pizza.  I mean the whole thing.  That’s right – I can eat an entire 11″ pizza by myself without blinking an eyelash.  Plus half a stick of garlic bread.  Not counting the large glass of Sprite I usually wash it all down with, that’s roughly 2,136 calories and 87.8 grams of fat, over half of which are saturated fat.  What’s even worse, I’ve been doing this 1-2 times per week since I got back from my trip to the USA in mid-December.  And all of this without a gall bladder.

In short: I have lost my damn mind.  I can’t blame this change in behaviour on my trip, as I ate pretty healthily over there aside from having too much soda.  This is the timeline of my thought process as I see it in hindsight:

  • Mid-December – “Ugh!  I’m so tired from all that flying!  Ehh, won’t hurt this one time.”
  • Late-December – “It’s Christmas – you have to ‘treat yo-self’ sometimes!  I’ll get back into it on Boxing Day.”
  • Boxing Day – “It’s still technically the holidays.  What will it hurt to wait until 1 January to get back into it?”
  • Week 1 January – “Well I’ve already screwed up this week, so I’ll just start on Sunday.”
  • Week 2 January – “Ehh…fuck it.”

All of this has made me realise that I’m really good at one thing when it comes to my health: Convincing myself why I can’t or shouldn’t do something positive for my body at any given moment in time.  I’m clearly a great marketer in more than just my professional life.  And the lazy side of my brain is a marketer’s dream.

The question remains, “How do I change this habit?”  How do I stop letting the part of my brain that wants to sell myself bad decisions shut off?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I mean – how many times have I proclaimed x-moment as the swan song of an unhealthy lifestyle?  I said those exact words in a post here back in July.  Positive things happened for a while, but then I ended up right back in the same place as I was before.

You know what really shits me off most?  I spent a lot of time in the USA watching a show called My 600-Pound Life.  I watched men and women self-destruct in much the same method as I’ve been doing to the point where surgery is literally the only chance they have.  And yet, I came home from that trip and have eaten worse than I ever have in my life.  I’ve been consuming probably 2-3 times what my caloric intake should be almost every day since I got back.  I watched people do the same damn thing to themselves and almost die from it, and yet I came home and started doing the exact same thing.  How the fuck does that happen?!

See?  I have, quite literally, lost my damn mind.

I ate a whole pizza by myself last night (hence the title of this blog).  I don’t know if it was because of how I felt physically this morning – extremely achy with a disgusting taste in my mouth – or if something has finally clicked in my mind, but I feel an overwhelming sense that enough is enough.  If I don’t change my life, I am literally going to die.  I will never have children, I will get large enough to subject my husband to a life of taking care of his morbidly obese wife, and I will die far before my time.

Will this feeling last?  Who the hell knows.  Will I succeed?  God, I hope so.  But I’ve said this how many times before and nothing has changed.  Maybe I can only take it one day at a time – make a conscious decision not to buy a great big serving of laziness that day and choose instead to make a good choice for my body.  It’s barely 2:30pm but I’ve already made a good start today by avoiding cow’s milk dairy and choosing water over soda.  Hubby and I are also going to take our weekend walk around a nearby park this evening.  Perhaps that has to be enough for now.

When you’re not enough

In case you couldn’t tell by the title of this post, I’ll throw out a disclaimer that this is not going to be a cheerful post.  If you’re after sunshine and roses, it might be time to read one of the other blogs you follow and come back to mine later.  While I could give you a rousing rendition of “Everything is Awesome!” I did promise to be frank with my discussions on here regardless of the topic.  So, here I go.

Job hunting is one of the worst parts of life.  I am absolutely convinced of the accuracy of this statement.  Think about it: You are constantly living with a sense of instability because really – you have no idea when you’ll find something.  Even if you do find something, it could go to hell in a hand-basket because you just don’t know what you’re getting into.  You have a limited amount of time to review very few (and sometimes non-existent) resources in order to gain an understanding of the organisations you are applying to, and you have to be “on” whilst writing cover letters and attending interviews.  The entire process is exhausting.

All of that aside, I think the hardest part is when you’re just not enough.  Now, I’m not exactly a rookie in my profession.  I have several years of valuable experience under my belt (despite not yet having that piece of paper that says “degree” on it).  I also have a keen desire to move up in the world.  My goal is to one day become CEO.  I feel with my whole heart that I am ready to step into a more senior role and I have so much potential to be a great manager.

But, I can’t quite get there.  I am missing a certain level of experience in a particular skill that most organisations in my sector want their managers to have.  What’s worse is that it is something I know I could do and that I could do extremely well.  Unfortunately, confident isn’t going to cut it.  This was ultimately the reason I didn’t get a management position I interviewed for months ago, and it’s the reason I didn’t get another management position I applied for recently.

So, the old confidence has taken yet another beating.  I don’t want to give up trying because you never know what will happen if you simply try.  At the same time, it can be rather soul-crushing to constantly put yourself out there and continually fall short.  Sometimes (like today) I have to rely solely on my faith that things will turn out okay in the end – that my skills and expertise ARE valuable, and that someone WILL see my potential and eventually snap me up.

Don’t worry.  I’m not giving up.  I’m ultimately the kind of person who, if you tell me I don’t have the ability to do something, I’ll say, “Watch me!” and make it happen.  I’ll give myself these few emo moments, but then I’ll wipe away the tears of frustration that currently adorn my eyelashes and…well…make it happen.

Cheers to all of the poor suckers out there that are in the same boat as I.  It’s a rocky SOB, but I know we’ll find the shore eventually.