I just ate my last pizza.

When I say “my last pizza”, I don’t mean a slice or two of pizza.  I mean the whole thing.  That’s right – I can eat an entire 11″ pizza by myself without blinking an eyelash.  Plus half a stick of garlic bread.  Not counting the large glass of Sprite I usually wash it all down with, that’s roughly 2,136 calories and 87.8 grams of fat, over half of which are saturated fat.  What’s even worse, I’ve been doing this 1-2 times per week since I got back from my trip to the USA in mid-December.  And all of this without a gall bladder.

In short: I have lost my damn mind.  I can’t blame this change in behaviour on my trip, as I ate pretty healthily over there aside from having too much soda.  This is the timeline of my thought process as I see it in hindsight:

  • Mid-December – “Ugh!  I’m so tired from all that flying!  Ehh, won’t hurt this one time.”
  • Late-December – “It’s Christmas – you have to ‘treat yo-self’ sometimes!  I’ll get back into it on Boxing Day.”
  • Boxing Day – “It’s still technically the holidays.  What will it hurt to wait until 1 January to get back into it?”
  • Week 1 January – “Well I’ve already screwed up this week, so I’ll just start on Sunday.”
  • Week 2 January – “Ehh…fuck it.”

All of this has made me realise that I’m really good at one thing when it comes to my health: Convincing myself why I can’t or shouldn’t do something positive for my body at any given moment in time.  I’m clearly a great marketer in more than just my professional life.  And the lazy side of my brain is a marketer’s dream.

The question remains, “How do I change this habit?”  How do I stop letting the part of my brain that wants to sell myself bad decisions shut off?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I mean – how many times have I proclaimed x-moment as the swan song of an unhealthy lifestyle?  I said those exact words in a post here back in July.  Positive things happened for a while, but then I ended up right back in the same place as I was before.

You know what really shits me off most?  I spent a lot of time in the USA watching a show called My 600-Pound Life.  I watched men and women self-destruct in much the same method as I’ve been doing to the point where surgery is literally the only chance they have.  And yet, I came home from that trip and have eaten worse than I ever have in my life.  I’ve been consuming probably 2-3 times what my caloric intake should be almost every day since I got back.  I watched people do the same damn thing to themselves and almost die from it, and yet I came home and started doing the exact same thing.  How the fuck does that happen?!

See?  I have, quite literally, lost my damn mind.

I ate a whole pizza by myself last night (hence the title of this blog).  I don’t know if it was because of how I felt physically this morning – extremely achy with a disgusting taste in my mouth – or if something has finally clicked in my mind, but I feel an overwhelming sense that enough is enough.  If I don’t change my life, I am literally going to die.  I will never have children, I will get large enough to subject my husband to a life of taking care of his morbidly obese wife, and I will die far before my time.

Will this feeling last?  Who the hell knows.  Will I succeed?  God, I hope so.  But I’ve said this how many times before and nothing has changed.  Maybe I can only take it one day at a time – make a conscious decision not to buy a great big serving of laziness that day and choose instead to make a good choice for my body.  It’s barely 2:30pm but I’ve already made a good start today by avoiding cow’s milk dairy and choosing water over soda.  Hubby and I are also going to take our weekend walk around a nearby park this evening.  Perhaps that has to be enough for now.