When I say “my last pizza”, I don’t mean a slice or two of pizza. I mean the whole thing. That’s right – I can eat an entire 11″ pizza by myself without blinking an eyelash. Plus half a stick of garlic bread. Not counting the large glass of Sprite I usually wash it all down with, that’s roughly 2,136 calories and 87.8 grams of fat, over half of which are saturated fat. What’s even worse, I’ve been doing this 1-2 times per week since I got back from my trip to the USA in mid-December. And all of this without a gall bladder.
In short: I have lost my damn mind. I can’t blame this change in behaviour on my trip, as I ate pretty healthily over there aside from having too much soda. This is the timeline of my thought process as I see it in hindsight:
- Mid-December – “Ugh! I’m so tired from all that flying! Ehh, won’t hurt this one time.”
- Late-December – “It’s Christmas – you have to ‘treat yo-self’ sometimes! I’ll get back into it on Boxing Day.”
- Boxing Day – “It’s still technically the holidays. What will it hurt to wait until 1 January to get back into it?”
- Week 1 January – “Well I’ve already screwed up this week, so I’ll just start on Sunday.”
- Week 2 January – “Ehh…fuck it.”
All of this has made me realise that I’m really good at one thing when it comes to my health: Convincing myself why I can’t or shouldn’t do something positive for my body at any given moment in time. I’m clearly a great marketer in more than just my professional life. And the lazy side of my brain is a marketer’s dream.
The question remains, “How do I change this habit?” How do I stop letting the part of my brain that wants to sell myself bad decisions shut off? I don’t know the answer to that. I mean – how many times have I proclaimed x-moment as the swan song of an unhealthy lifestyle? I said those exact words in a post here back in July. Positive things happened for a while, but then I ended up right back in the same place as I was before.
You know what really shits me off most? I spent a lot of time in the USA watching a show called My 600-Pound Life. I watched men and women self-destruct in much the same method as I’ve been doing to the point where surgery is literally the only chance they have. And yet, I came home from that trip and have eaten worse than I ever have in my life. I’ve been consuming probably 2-3 times what my caloric intake should be almost every day since I got back. I watched people do the same damn thing to themselves and almost die from it, and yet I came home and started doing the exact same thing. How the fuck does that happen?!
See? I have, quite literally, lost my damn mind.
I ate a whole pizza by myself last night (hence the title of this blog). I don’t know if it was because of how I felt physically this morning – extremely achy with a disgusting taste in my mouth – or if something has finally clicked in my mind, but I feel an overwhelming sense that enough is enough. If I don’t change my life, I am literally going to die. I will never have children, I will get large enough to subject my husband to a life of taking care of his morbidly obese wife, and I will die far before my time.
Will this feeling last? Who the hell knows. Will I succeed? God, I hope so. But I’ve said this how many times before and nothing has changed. Maybe I can only take it one day at a time – make a conscious decision not to buy a great big serving of laziness that day and choose instead to make a good choice for my body. It’s barely 2:30pm but I’ve already made a good start today by avoiding cow’s milk dairy and choosing water over soda. Hubby and I are also going to take our weekend walk around a nearby park this evening. Perhaps that has to be enough for now.