When I read through my previous posts, I have to laugh so I don’t cry.
Once again, I’ve fucked up. I admit it! That last pizza I rambled on about in my last post – from January, which shows how committed I’ve been – was far from it. Over the past three months in particular, I’ve completely gone off the deep end health wise. I introduced personal training once a week, but that is the extent of what I’ve done. I’ve eaten whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn’t exercise beyond my weekly personal training sessions. I rarely cooked a meal for myself or my husband, relying on restaurants and making excuses as to why this is easier.
And you know what? It’s all bullshit. It’s the same crap I’ve done for most of my life. And I sort of had that, “Ah-ha!” moment this week: My life is full of excuses.
Excuses about how I don’t get home on time to cook dinner, so eating out every night is okay.
Excuses about how I didn’t get enough sleep so I can’t get up and exercise before work.
Excuses about how maybe I don’t want to have a baby and that would be okay, when I’m really just scared that I won’t be able to even if I do get healthy.
And that’s all it is – excuses I make in an attempt to deceive myself and avoid the cold, hard truth. I have become a master of self-deception over the last 20 years of my life.
Do you know what the worst part about it is? I’ve sucked my husband into the same bad habits. He’s gaining weight and his health is awful right now and it’s because of me. I know that sounds like a lot of pressure to put on myself, but it’s true. In this way, I have very much made his life worse than it used to be. I don’t want to see him get anywhere near where I am right now, so it well and truly has to stop. And we have to stop it together.
Step one: Get help. I jokingly say that I have more issues than National Geographic (there’s the fat funny girl persona coming out again), but in a way it’s true. I have been dealing with a number of really difficult things for a long time, stemming back from my middle school experience and even the way I was treated by my extended family throughout my entire life. I have tried to get counselling for a number of these things in the past, but I was never able to find anyone who I felt could really help me through everything.
I have been very lucky of late because I found a counsellor who has been able to really put things into perspective. We have been slowly working through why I have carried certain things with me for so long and in what way do I need to work through them. I sought out this type of help in the first place because I realised that there was no way I was ever going to fix my physical health if I continued to ignore my emotional health. I have encouraged my husband to do the same for himself, which he recently started.
Now, I finally feel like I’m at a place where I actually have the strength to work on my physical health. I’m starting slow: My husband and I have come up with healthy meals that we can easily make every evening. We’ve tried to come up with things that we can do most or all prep work for beforehand, i.e. chopping all veggies for the week, or meals we can fully prepare and freeze beforehand that can simply be thrown in the oven when required. Hubby is hanging up a whiteboard in the kitchen, where we can plan out the week’s dinner menu and grocery list. Then every Sunday is spent grocery shopping and doing all meal prep for the week.
If we can make this habit of cooking all dinners for the week, I think we’ll be able to make other good habits. I’m not going to promise myself or anyone else that I’ll change all of my bad food habits at once. I know that won’t be possible. But I will be happy if we can make this one change for now and try not to beat myself up if I slip up in other aspects for now.
Wish me luck.